For those of you that know me, you know that I have had a lot of horrible news in my life the last few months. With the worst part being the loss of my father to Cancer. I cannot begin to tell you how unbelievably life changing that has been for me. I used to feel strong and confident and didn’t second guess myself all that often. But the day my father died, that all changed.
For some reason, I am haunted by the last few weeks we spent together. And while I know I am being unrealistic, I keep thinking, “if I only”. “If I only helped him gain back his {drive}, If I only encouraged him more, If I only a million different things”, perhaps he would still be alive. Perhaps,cancer wouldn’t have killed my father.
I still feel guilty that he was asking for more pain medication and I couldn’t get the nurses in before he passed away, (though they had just given him morphine 15 min before he died), and guilty that I didn’t spend the whole day with him that day. That I went home to eat and take care of my family and sleep, when I should have been there. When honestly, I think I went home to try and get away from the truth, the truth that I knew he was only possibly hours, but not more than a day from dying, despite the fact that the doctor thought he had a few weeks.
And of course, while I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for going home to eat (given that it was nearly five and I hadn’t eaten all day, and the fact that I hadn’t slept but a few hours in days) and that he needed space too, I still find myself feeling guilty and having to talk myself out of it.
It is hard to explain to anyone who has not lost someone, what you feel like, but the best way for me to describe how I was feeling is it was as if someone had hit the fast forward button on the world around me and I was on pause. No matter how I kept pushing myself to “keep going, keep busy”, I was still on pause I couldn’t catch up to the world around me. I would be in a room full of people there to support me and comfort me, and yet I would feel like I was completely alone. I could feel the fast paced energy just streaming past me, as if I was no obstacle at all, just a mere insignificance.
Then to be dumped into taking care of my father’s affairs only to have people worried about what they would get and if my step sister was going to “rape” the house before I got there. Seriously, I mean seriously people do you not realize that I haven’t even had time to conceptualize that my father was gone, and you are worried that someone might get more than you? In addition to the fact that she not only lost her step-father, but her mother the freaking month before!
It was and is only STUFF, it will not bring either of them back nor will it fill the gaping hole in each and everyone of us that truly misses them.
And while today, I know I have made huge strides from where I was two months ago, I still get anxiety because there are still so many of my father’s affairs to be dealt with. I get so overwhelmed on some days that I just avoid anything to do with “the business, the medical bills, the mortgage”.
It frustrates me to feel like I have lost integrity or respect with people “looking for their money”, simply based on the fact that I am still grieving you FUCKERS! I’m not irresponsible, evasive or looking to “keep everything for myself”. I’m sad, angry, depressed and longing to be able to talk to, hug, and be with my father. Quite honestly, I don’t want anything. I have a whole garage full of my fathers stuff, that I need to and MUST go through but can’t pull myself to do it. I only packed it up and shipped it all the way here, because I was too overwhelmed and couldn’t handle the constant harassment.
Honestly, I still can’t even look at a picture of my father and not feel sad, when I know I should feel happy and thankful, that he is no longer in pain. That he was at peace with his life and had no regrets, and that he accomplished so much. So why would I even want to look at all the letters he kept, the songs that he wrote, and the silly pieces of insignificant paper that he kept for a lifetime? Why should I care about a coffee cup, pots and pans, or a stereo?
They are not him. And, I am not ready. So please, give me some time.
Thank you deeply for those of you who have been so very understanding and helpful, you know who you are and one day I hope to be able to find a way to repay you for all that you have done for me.
And if I hurt anyone’s feelings, I am sorry, it was not intentional and I am sure that you didn’t intend to hurt mine either with your petty requests.
Weeeeeeeee!
AHHHHHHH
Kisses
This is a mirror image, but looks like it is a real photo of Bella. Pretty cool
